Thursday, 9 November 2017

Day 11- just that

Day 11 and I'm home, eaten, relaxing and heading to bed early. Not drinking is tiring business for some reason.

That's all for tonight.


Wednesday, 8 November 2017

Day 10 - oh, now I get it!

Day 10 and a small relief to mental and physical wellbeing. I got my <whispers> period, not very polite conversation I know but it made me go 'A-HA now I get it'   Why was this a surprise?  Well it was about 10 days early and came with none of the usual precursors. Seems like I am well into peri menopause now. Sorry any guys that have made it past the first sentence but this stuff throws us and needs sharing between us 40 something ladies.  This goes a long way to explaining why I was so off and weepy, I even commented I felt hormonal but still didn't put it together.

Tonight I was replying to a comment when I realised something very different this time around. Before when I was dealing with wine o'clock and that horrible few hours when all I wanted to do was bolt out the door to go to the shop, I would sit clinging to my iPad blogging or reading, or commenting. This was a fantastic help and consumed many an evening when normally I would be consuming.

BLOG-READ BLOGS -COMMENT ON BLOGS if you are struggling, that is a good recipe for taking up your time.

Anyway back to this time being different. This time I have noticed there is far less dashing to the shop to get booze, once I am home and dinner eaten I find I don't think too much about it, the big danger is on the way home or out at the weekend doing the groceries.

Tonight is a case in point from about 15:30 onwards my brain fired up with its occasional "I think I'll stop at the shop tonight, I'll start again Monday" and even worse"I'll start after Christmas" but the rational part of my brain thought "I just need to leave work and get home, once I'm home I'll be ok"
A small part of me worries I am setting myself up as a future recluse but then I recall this will only last a short time then I won't be wracked with cravings day in day out. In fact I know there will be days when I barely think of a drink.

So short term solution to long term change is just get home and then deal with any further thoughts from there. Chances are once I'm home I can see how foolish it would be to make the conscious decision to got out and buy booze. I am going to have to plan a strategy for this weekend because I gave tripped up many a time doing the grocery shop. One time I navigated and negotiated my way around the whole store, got in the car and was driving home when I thought "Ah fuck it" turned the car around and RETURNED to the store to buy booze. THAT is a conscious act of sabotage and I'm not quite sure how to block that one. Yet!

Ginger is doing ok, more relaxed today and able to chalk up a lot of the last few days down to bloomin hormones. Ginger is however going to bed without doing the dishes tonight.

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Day 9 - still a bit messy but doing ok

Day 9 Wowee am I weepy. Thankfully I woke up after 9 hours feeling so much better and the hacking cough that didn't stop for about 4 hours last night, almost miraculously gone.

Having said that though, about 20 times today I could have burst out crying over the slightest thing. Luckily this time round I seem to be more in control of the 'tears tap' and managed to stem the flow before it started. I seem to remember crying quite a lot last time so in one respect I feel some of my old issues have been worked through. That being said a couple of core issues remain and one of the biggest ones "I'm unloveable" reared its ugly head at my nephews wedding and that is where I decided to have a drink because what was the point right? Wrong.  I'll deal with that in another post as it's still too big to process with only a few days of not drinking behind me.

Another early night tonight. Apologies for any comments I've missed.


Monday, 6 November 2017

Day 8 - I'm a mess

Day 8 and I am poorly and miserable and weepy. Yesterday I didn't post cos I was struggling all day feeling like I was wading through treacle, having to force myself to do everything. I thought it was just tiredness and went to bed, slept horribly sweating, headache and restless. Woke up this morning in bad shape, sore throat and cold, coughing away.

Now I am home from work, weepy and so so tired so off to bed I go feeling sorry for myself, like a big baby.


Saturday, 4 November 2017

Day 6 -a close call

Day 6 and it was both good and bad. Good in that I emptied two rooms, pulled up old carpet and scrubbed the skirting boards (base boards in the US I think)  and washed floors in preparation for new flooring to go down. Bad news in that the fitter said my original hunch was right and the concrete was too powdery so would need a top smooth layer. Oh brother, so I do have to concrete it myself.

I worked too hard, too long and too late so by the time I figured I should head to B&Q (hardware store) to get supplies my brain kicked in with ideas of heading to the store for "supplies" of the alcoholic kind. I needed to go grocery shopping also so that would put my in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm not going to lie, I decided to go about 6 times and make it really, truly, promises, swear on my life, never again, the absolute final, never to be repeated, just one more, get it out of my system, can't keep doing this, LAST TIME!!!!

I didn't go!!

Instead I sat on the edge of my bed fighting mentally with myself and knew that if I went either to the hardware store or the grocery store, drinking would be in my future. I went through all the thoughts of what a bad night sleep I would have, it would be just like last weekend when I'd wake up with still some alcohol in the house and feel the need to finish it off and then I wouldn't have enough so would H ave to get more etc etc. Soo frustrating and tiring.

I raided the freezer and the deep freeze and came up with a rag tag put together dinner that almost as soon as I was done eating made the craving go away and me feel much more sane and rationale. It wasn't that I needed to eat or snack, I needed a hot meal.

I'm in bed with fireworks blasting all over the neighbourhood but I am so tired I might still just fall asleep. I plan to hit the stores early morning when my will power is strongest and cravings lowest. Then I gave a day of concrete ahead of me. Yikes! Suburban Betty I might need a hotline helpline.

I feel happy now that I resisted and know that all my predictions would have come true had I left the house. It was worth the fight tonight as I will hopefully sleep hard, deep and long.

Goodnight one and all.


Friday, 3 November 2017

Day 5 - coffee, no cake

Day 5 and it was another positive and happy day. A bit sad that my colleague left but overall a good day.

Luckily for me the Friday Night Craves didn't show up except for a fleeting thought that didn't get any traction in my brain. There and gone.

As I said last night, after work drinks were mentioned to bid my colleague a fond farewell and when I declined and offered to meet her another day for coffee, she promptly said that we could all go for coffee. Well, let me tell you, it was one of the nicest goodbyes and we all got to really talk to eachother. Funnily enough not many people turned up because it wasn't in a pub but that didn't bother her and she was thrilled to get to spend time with people who were genuinely sorry to see her go.

I had a lovely afternoon and some great chats that we just don't have time for in work. I definitely declare it a huge success.

What a difference a week makes, last Friday I felt beaten and exhausted which led to drinking on Saturday but today I feel tired but content and looking forward to getting chores done tomorrow.


Thursday, 2 November 2017

Day 4 - breathing easy

Day 4 and feeling good. Had a solid uninterrupted night sleep last night and felt refreshed for a change.

Not a whiff of craving or thoughts today. I'm not sure if everyone has this but there is a mile or two of country lanes I drive through to get home and there is one stretch with a few bends where alcohol thoughts seem to just pop into my mind. I'm sure it must be linked to 1000's of times I made the decision to stop at the shop at that very point in my journey. It's a habit or a trigger or repetative thought, same way my mum reflexively crossed herself when we passed a church, any church.

Tonight I drove home thinking about how dark it was and wondering what time I would be done walking the dogs, sorting the kitchen, cooking dinner and finally sitting down. No thoughts at all on the way home or even up until I started to write this. A small win but I'll take it.

Tomorrow a colleague leaves our company and wanted to go out for drinks, I said I'd prefer to meet her another day for coffee as I don't like bars and she automatically said "No, we'll all go for coffee" just like that. I actually felt guilty and ended up going back and offering to pick her up and drive her home so she could have a drink and she declined saying she was now looking forward to coffee or afternoon tea so we can actually talk not yell over music and other drunk people. So afternoon tea/coffee it is.

Tomorrow is Friday and I am a little fearful that the Friday Night Craves will come swooping in with a vengeance but for now I need only worry about today and today was a good day.