Thursday, 30 June 2016

38,39,40/100 Paying the price (part 2)

Day 40 today -hooray (said with a very hoarse crackly voice)

I have been felled by a chest infection, my 'go to' illness when times are troubled. I know when I have run out of steam, over done it, not taken time out for myself when I get a deep rattle in my chest out of nowhere. I don't get this off the back of a cold I just wake up one morning coughing my lungs out.

I have been in bed for the last 48 hours feeling sorry for myself, God when will that stop? I realise this is a hangover (excuse the pun) from my whirlwind decorating no rest weekend. Yet another example of going over the top.

I have really had to pay attention this time because I can see the direct connection between how I was feeling, manic, overwhelmed, frustrated and pressured and the drive to push myself beyond my physical capabilities with the aftermath of feeling drained, depressed, beaten and broken and physically worn out. I need balance.

On top of all this I have been plagued with nostalgia beyond belief, specifically about my time in Hong Kong and the old rose tinted spectacles have left me feeling that I should have stayed there, I would have been so successful etc. I have taken to googling old friends and colleagues and they are all doing fabulously well and all heads of industry. I on the other hand feel like I have taken a step further back each year and are stuck in an entry level position, miserable and a "failure" I know, I know, I do have a penchant for the dramatic when I am ill. I realise I have so much I have done and achieved in my life and have a lovely well balanced (lazy) daughter but this sudden wave of "I could have been SOMEBODY" comes up every now and again but I think it harks back to being young, free, single, hedonistic and fearless. All common traits in your 20's but in most cases they have started to simmer down by 30 and be almost depleted by 40. Sensibly I realise I could not keep up the pace of life I had back then, all that ambition and striving, 13-14 hour days followed by out 'networking' (code for getting drunk with business people) until the wee small hours of the morning. I clearly remember stumbling out of a nightclub in Wanchai at about 6:30am, arrrrggghhhh daylight, and bumping into my boss who was on the way to the gym. "See you in 90 minutes" he said with no more than a passing glance.

Back then I could handle that fast paced lifestyle, all that testosterone and bravado and I might very well have continued up the ladder like so many of my counterparts but then again maybe I wouldn't have. I feel like I am a shadow of that person, I feel weak, unable to cope with this simple life I have. I am bored and lonely and oh so melancholy on top of the nostalgia. I had a really BIG life (I don't mean that as boastfully as it sounds) and appreciate all the wild, weird and wonderful things I did and experienced but then I compare and contrast that with how I am now and I feel a bit bored and flat. All this reflection and introspection is doing both good and bad as I can see where I have come from, what I have done wrong, what I have done right etc but it is also dragging up stuff I thought I had left behind. I always tell people I have no regrets because everything I have done has led me to where I am now but currently I do have regrets and am left wondering "What if......."  I think this is all part of the process and I once again just have to feel what I am feeling and let it move on.

I think that with my daughter turning 18 I have looked at my current situation and thought is this it? Is this what I have in life going forward? Let me state I do know I am very lucky in some respects having what I do have but the thing that gets me is how flat and dull my life feels. Now I am not focused solely on how hungover I am in the morning or how excited I am to get home in the evening to have a drink and watch crappy TV, it has made me think that my current life is somewhat hollow for want of a better word. Which is why my mind has gone back to 'the good ole days' and is now feeding into my boredom and dissatisfaction of how my life is currently. I have mentioned this before but I think the more sober days I accrue the more I realise how small my existence had become. I know I need to make the changes myself and be proactive but I feel a little bit like 'now what' plus my confidence is at an all time low.

This is quite a long waffley self indulgent post and yet another pity party which seems to be a common theme. Some bloggers are just so gosh darn upbeat and thrilled with their sobriety, mine reads like a misery manual, which I hope to change. I have to say that writing this out even if it is painful for you to read, allows me insight into how I am really feeling and I come to conclusions I am unable to make when just ruminating on it. Thanks for sticking with me if you are still here. I think this post should have been called " the grass is greener in the past." I will live to fight another day and hopefully all this 'processing' will bring me to a place of realisation and more importantly action.

Ginger Groundhog

Monday, 27 June 2016

37/100 Paying the price

Day 37 and I will admit defeat. I pushed too hard this weekend and I am paying for it. My body is wrecked, bruised, aching, creaky and covered in patches of damp proof paint similar to gloss paint.

The 'big revel' was a bit of an anticlimax as on top of the super long days I had to drive an hour and 15 to go get them from the bus and by the time we got back it was 12.30am and we were both barely awake. It went a bit like this but please don't add any happy inflection, think flat dull monotone
daughter 'mom you did my whole room. It looks amazing'
me 'didn't get to do the ceiling and look at this wall it's all uneven'
daughter 'still looks great'
me 'yeah I suppose'
us 'goodnight'

So not the great emotional 'Extreme Makeovers' moment I hoped for but by then I was too tired to care. Stepping back today it does look good and as ThirstyStill commented perfect only exists for a moment. Within a week or so there will be scuff marks on the walls and some strange mark on the ceiling no one will know how it happened or what it is. I did it to make her happy and input my heart and soul into it. I wouldn't have managed it in between drinking in the evening and might only have done one coat of paint and not got the imperfect bloody wall as good as I did mange to get it. I can live with that imperfect wall because I did my best, I gave it all I had and I could have done no more.

This was for me some kind of penance for all the half assed, sloppy, barely good enough crap I have made my daughter put up with over the years. She doesn't know all that but this was my way of saying 'You deserve this time spent on doing it properly. You deserve a lovely bright finished room you can proudly have your friends in. You are good enough for me to dedicate my blood, sweat and tears to. And I am sorry for any times you may have felt your needs/wants were postponed, delayed or forgotten because I had a glass of wine I prioritised over you. Please accept this as a small token of my apology for not doing this regularly and without complaint. You just deserved better'

Hopefully she will feel a little of that coming from the corners and cracks.

Ginger Groundhog

Sunday, 26 June 2016

36/100 Chip, chip, chipping away

Day 36 and I am reflective. Yesterday when I was dealing with a bid day long craving, just dying to chuck it in for one more night, my mind was writing blogs around whatever the current thought was.
When I was going to just give in and drink I was writing my apology/confession post but when I was fighting it and thinking I don't believe it will be just 'one night' drinking I was relating what I was doing in the current moment.

I spent a long time stripping old paint with sand mixed in, for texture i.e. to hide the cracks, thank you previous homeowner. As I chip chip chipped away sometimes I would be able to get a loose bit and strip off a great sheet of it. Other times it was a case of chipping away and getting tiny cous cous sized pieces that frustrated the living hell out of me. If I went to hard or fast I ended up gouging the wall leaving a scrape I would the have to fill in. Slow and steady was the only way (or get in a plasterer to skim the wall but I can't afford that) and it was painstaking and frustrating. As I kept at it I began to relate it to being sober, like you do, and thought that at times it was just chip chip chipping away, pretty miserable and not much fun or progress but other times you hit a big strip and it's plain sailing. Expanding on that idea I thought that you can't rush it, you just have to go slow and steady or you end up gouging it. I know analogies are very personal and work for some whereas others may think WHAT?
Maybe I needed that wall yesterday to get me through, to prove that I do have to wait that craving out.

Today as I look at the wall all painted white, I can see the flaws, I can see where it is 'not good enough' and 'not what I wanted or intended' and I know this relates to me and everything I deal with. It feels like a let down after all that hard work it is not perfect, you can see the scars and the flaws that have been left behind. What I have to work on now is accepting that the wall is never going to be perfect because it has been stripped and scraped, it is never going to be like new but it is still functional and fit for purpose. It is 'good enough' (wow I am tired, I am tearing up) it doesn't have to be perfect it can just stay as it is for now and maybe later I can work on it some more.

Ginger Groundhog

Saturday, 25 June 2016

34 & 35/100 Decorating

Days 34 & 35 still bringing the horrors of severe cravings and today especially (bloody Saturdays) found be climbing my newly painted walls. 2pm I was writing my confession post in my head for Monday, the plan being to drink today and tomorrow and start fresh Monday morning. This also involved me having to rearrange my daughter's coach back from London so I could drink tomorrow and not have to go get her from the coach station an hour away. This was sickening.

Luckily I read someone this week (sorry if it was you) who said the realised after 5 years that ALL cravings go away eventually, you just have to wait them out. So I did and it passed but I do feel like this is a really rough week overall and I haven't bounced back into the groove I was in.

I have been working evenings and 13 hours today decorating my daughter's bedroom as a surprise, if I hadn't had that deadline (tomorrow) I am not sure how this weekend would have played out.

Yesterday another craving day out of the way, I hope this is building some serious sober muscle. Anybody any idea why they are coming so thick and fast? Is this normalish for day 35? I wonder if it cos I am on my own which before would have meant no one to catch me out so I could drink in peace and to my hearts content.

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will have passed somewhat. Big push to complete the room  in time, everything has taken twice as long as I expected. Exhausted tired but feel good sense of accomplishment.

Ginger Groundhog

Thursday, 23 June 2016

33/100 Still in the game

Day 33 A bit better but still no joy ride

Started the day better, at lunchtime cravings started, got worse mid afternoon and then started to ebb away by evening. Was up a ladder all evening stripping paint so distracted til it was too late.

Physically and mentally drained so off to bed I go after the final episode of 'The Good Wife' boo hoo.

Silver lining moment today  - heading toward a spiral of negative thinking and turning it completely around.

Thanks for all the lovely comments yesterday, they help so so much. I will respond just not tonight - yawning.

Ginger Groundhog

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

32/100 Rough day

Day 32 and it was a rough one. This is gonna be brief because part of me just wants to watch a to show and numb out on that.

Today I wanted to drink. I wanted to numb out, I wanted to just blow this whole thing off and forget about it. I wanted to get drunk and everything be damned. I felt not good enough so what is the point of carrying on doing this boring, mundane sobriety shit, what is the point when I feel like this? I'm never gonna be happy and all this is just a waste of time. And more thoughts like that all day.......

Then I did something I have not done before, I text my sober friend and told her all this. She was willing to drop everything to talk immediately. I said that it was ok we could talk later and I was just angry and bored with this whole thing and was acting like a spoiled child and I didn't care either. We agreed to talk later and I promised I would call her.

Later on my friend called me as she had just received my latest text and was very confused. I text her " I'm in B&Q (a hardware/homewares store) What do you think of this silver glitter wallpaper in juxtaposition to the exposed granite stones?" She was waiting to save my sobriety and I had moved on.

Why am I telling you all this? Cos it is 9pm and I am still angry and miserable and frustrated that I am not drinking and bored and aggressive and tearful and lonely but I AM NOT DRINKING. I feel like this now and I might feel like this tomorrow but once again through all this crotchety cantankerous childishness I did want to drink but I didn't drink. I even wrote my 'Guess what? I fell off the wagon' post in my head but I don't need it.

There are people that take to sobriety like a duck to water and there are people that kick and scream and bitch and moan about it despite knowing it is the right thing to do.  I am the latter. Lastly I will say that through all of this angst filled day I knew deep down that nothing would be better if I drank, nothing. Didn't stop me acting like a big spoiled baby all day though.

Ginger Groundhog

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

31/100 "Gone with the Wine"

Day 31 and I am run ragged today. The daughter is off to London tomorrow so I was helping her prep and pack and running last minute errands.

This culminated in me eating in the way I used to drink, I over ate after being pretty good all day and it was reactive eating as I started getting cravings and didn't manage to slow myself down in the moment to allow it to pass. I did buy alcohol but not for myself (for my daughters birthday) but I think the act of getting it may have stressed me out more than I realised. I went into it not that bothered cos I was buying Prosecco which is not really my thing but then I think my brain went off on a tangent and I was thinking about stuff I did like to drink.

 I bought a bunch of crappy food that I now regret buying, oh yeah I forgot to mention I was hungry also as well as tired, so there are half of the H.A.L.T for starters. And while I was successfully navigating the wine aisle I bought some chocolate, Fruit and Nut, I thought, until I broke off a chunk in the car (a large chunk at that) and it was Rum and Raisin, yum. I casually thought there is no way there is real alcohol in here, it must be flavouring. Sure as, right on the front of the pack "made with real Jamaican rum" I did have a mild panic as thoughts of suddenly being out of control and down the shops again buying vodka and wine entered my head but I reasoned that I could not have consumed enough to let my reflexes take over. I knew I needed to just get home and eat some real food and has a fake beer.  That's what I did and it did help but I can't help reflecting that the compulsive way I ate and the carby sugary junk was for want of a better word "alcoholic eating". I think I got caught up in a snowball of thoughts, emotions feeling and triggers and the end result was not a happy ending. I am trying to be a little more lenient on myself for these 100 days but it is so hard when food has always been my first addictive behaviour and I live in fear of it becoming even more out of control.

So all in all yet again I lived another day without alcohol, unless you are hardcore and count the 2 squares of rum raisin chocolate which I hasten to add is in my daughters room to be eaten by the chocolate monster that is her boyfriend, all 6'7" of him. However the worry remains that I will double down on my food issues whilst trying to conquer the alcohol issue.

Having said all that I am very aware how tired I am so I think sleep is my priority here and I will see what tomorrow brings. I am not sad or unhappy about this situation just aware of my unease with how today played out. I will now do my best Scarlet O'Hara impression "oh I can't think about that right now. If I do I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow " because as she goes on to say "After all, tomorrow is another day" and as we all know we can only ever deal with one day at a time.

Scarlet O'Ginger
Ginger O'Hara
Ginger Groundhog

Monday, 20 June 2016

30/100 Anti-climax in a good way

Day 30 Well I thought I would be turning cartwheels today but no, just another day at the office. Am I happy? Yes, delighted! Would I recommend it? Absolutely! Did I have cake? No but I did have a mega bag of cheese and onion crisps/chips and a Twirl bar, yum.

I am feel strangely unmoved by it all though, it feels like I have been here for a long time and it feels comfortable (here come fear and panic) I genuinely do feel like I have picked up where I left it  last time at five months. I am not so naive to think it is going to be all plain sailing but I feel in a groove and it is a good place to be.

So what is different this time?
1. I really wanted this by the time I stopped and it was time by the time I stopped.
2. I adopted the one day at a time mantra because forever is way too long.
3. I signed up to Belle's 100 day challenge, previously I would have scoffed and poopooed the idea             but this time I embraced the challenge (thank you Red for the shove)
4. I have spent a lot of time sleeping and staying in bed late on the weekends as I was tired beyond belief and just allowed myself to be tired and not push it.
5. I have eaten quite a bit of really bad food (even for me) and I have not been all judgemental about it as I usually would.
6. I have spent a great deal of time reading blogs, commenting on blogs and writing a daily post. Reading other people's thoughts and ideas can really shine a light on things you may have thought but not fully embraced.
7. Survived a mega DAY LONG craving that I felt sure would beat me but it didn't I BEAT IT!!!
8. Told people, only those I truly love and respect and then benefitted from their support and encouragement.
9. Taken time to smell the roses, listen to the birds, enjoy my daily walk without obsessing over everything I have to do.
10. Incorporated at least 1 small 20 minute job into my day to foster a sense of achievement, but also forgiven myself and let it go on the nights when I just couldn't face it.
11. Cried, A LOT! I have had so much emotion bubble up out of me that I could rapidly cycle between laughter and tears and back again all within about 3 minutes.
12. Allowed time for introspection and reflection and sometimes written about it and gained even more insight.
13. Tried alcohol free beers. They work for me and are not a trigger but A/F wine would be a different story.
14. Not drunk alcohol, yep this time is also different as I haven't caved in and had a drink which is kind of the whole idea behind this.

I am sure there are other things too but that is everything that I think I have done this time that I hadn't really done before.

Blogging and commenting have been a big part of this for me and I have really benefitted from so much support and understanding. This is still a challenge for me as over time I have withdrawn into myself and this is starting to get me engaged again. Next step will be IRL- in real life. So here is to the next 30 days and onwards to 100.

Thanks to everyone in 'Team Ginger'  that has helped me get to this point so far, all the support has been really valuable and a key part of this. If you can grit your teeth and get over the first 10 days then the next 20 are a little easier, I don't think anyone really rides the pink clouds day 1-10 so if you feel like you have been turned violently inside out and drained of personality hang in there.

Now, I have some chocolate to finish before bed if you'll excuse me.

Ginger Groundhog

Sunday, 19 June 2016

29/100 Drinking dream, maybe

Day 29 and I think I had a drinking dream. The reason I sound unsure is I wasn't drinking in the dream, even better I was tending to my sobriety.

I was with a group of people I don't know IRL but I feel we all worked together. We went to an old pub with lots or dark wood (that's not relevant but it gives you a feel) and as soon as I walked in I could smell the old spilled booze in the carpet and the cigarettes from years ago. I felt slightly on edge and jumpy but was making a huge effort to look cheerful and bright. Everyone congregated at the bar of course (I should add here that IRL I hate pubs and bars and have never really enjoyed the atmosphere. Most of my drinking was done in restaurants, dinner parties or home alone.) in the corner one of the girls I worked with found an open litre bottle of vodka with a bar pourer in it, not an optic but a pourer. All I remember saying was something along the lines of oh good for you, don't drink too much and for god's sake keep it away from me. I remember being a bit worried and triggered and making some lame excuse and leaving.

So it seems like even in my deep conscious/subconscious I realise that if I feel triggered I need to get away. I think to me this shows that this time I really do mean it. You know what I mean, there are times when we quit where we are doing it almost going through the motions rather than committed to it. We want to quit but deep down we know we will give in at the first excuse.

I feel a bit weepy again this morning but again I am putting this down to mourning the loss of one of my "coping" mechanisms and that I am going to have to live through this discomfort for a while. All those things I was feeling yesterday have been there for years but I have always been able to drink them away or direct my attention to feeling tired/ill/hungover or stressed to avoid looking at them. Last time I quit I think I didn't dare look at anything for fear it would trigger me drinking, imagine me as the proverbial monkey with his hands over his eyes, ears and mouth, either things didn't come up or I was just so in denial about them I blocked it all out.  This time I feel I have swung the other way and I am living it raw as all these emotions come bubbling up and I have to face/deal with that feeling. Tough as it is and may prove to be, this feels like a far better way of dealing with it. Someone once said to me that I 'psychologically lived out loud' and I think it was meant at the time as a slight insult i.e. keep your feelings and thoughts to yourself. This is why I apologise and sometimes worry that I over share but I feel less like that these days 1. Because I have had some lovely comments from people and selfishly 2. I feel like this is really helping me get to grips with my self. I am more honest here than in any area of my life and except for swearing it us relatively unfiltered.

In the last 29 days I have examined more closely than ever before all the reasons I drank and how day to day life affects me and my moods. I notice all the things that bubble up even if it is after the fact when I am writing it here. Blogging and trying to find things to say has given me the reflection I need at the end of the day to step back and see how I felt about things because having to try and write it down in a comprehensible manner means you have to sit with things for a while and looking for the language to describe it gives you moments of huge insight, in my opinion. Try it even if you don't make it public, write it as if you were going to share it and then just don't. Today I will literally be staring at white walls as I decorate so will be doing some reflection today no doubt.

Here's to living psychologically out loud.

Ginger Groundhog

Saturday, 18 June 2016

28/100 Four Weeks and counting.....

Day 28 and it has been a mixed bag of emotions today, kind of like the weather and having four seasons in one day I have had the run of emotions. Happy, sad, depressed, content, weepy, positive etc all rolled into one day

Happy/content/positive that I have made day 28 relatively easily. I know I have had one or two rough patches but have come through in fairness easier than I expected. I am content in the day to day aspects of life, I am not living high on th hog or sailing through life but overall I cannot complain. Positive that I am on the right track and moving forward feel determined to crest and shape a better life for myself.

Sad/depressed/weepy that I find myself feeling lonely and alone. My daughter is 18 this week so I was out buying her some presents as she will be going to London as her main present, but the joy of finding her nice things was overshadowed by feelings of how much better I could have/should have done for her. Also this will be the first birthday day that I will not be with her. Depressed that now she is growing up I feel so lonely and seeing other people as couples made me feel quite low but then I would catch myself in a pane of glass and my mind would jump on it "look at the state of you, no wonder you are alone" and then the combination of all of those negatives made me weepy. I am not always so negative but today it all sort of ganged up on me

Thoughts of drinking were more along the lines of how I wished I could have a drink to help me escape these thoughts but then got weepy again thinking that this was how I ended up here with all these thoughts. Catch 22 anyone? So not cravings but a kind of mourning that albeit temporary and detrimental that way of short circuiting my feelings is not on the table anymore.

OH MY!! I am having an epiphany as I write this, as Oprah would say an A-HA moment..... I just have to FEEL my FEELINGS **smacks forehead with realisation** Really, I have been up and down all day and just feeling discombobulated, so much so that I didn't want to post cos I felt it would be too moany and even thought maybe this is just how I feel on Saturdays now. Literally as I was writing I just thought how tough it was today to go through all that emotion and then I realised the words that everyone talks about were happening to me, I have read them hundreds of times but had not processed it further than 'oh yeah feel your feelings'  Oh I feel so much lighter now I have run that thought through to the end.

So here I sit now Becks Blue in hand, Danish crime drama ready to play, feet up and still a bit out of sorts but I am content to just let whatever comes wash over or through me, it won't kill me after all.

Ginger Groundhog

Friday, 17 June 2016

27/100 Friday night FREEDOM

Day 27 and it's Friday and apart from what I would describe as habitual thoughts I have no cravings. The habitual thoughts are the old brain 'pop-ups' that give you a little image of a drink or thought of swallowing your first mouthful. Similar to pop up ads on the computer, they might be things you would like or have used before but right now you don't need or want to see them or have them arrive uninvited. A bit like those pop ups ads, I seem well able to just see they are there and ignore them or just X out of them so they disappear. I am not too often tempted to click on them to open but when I do I soon realise that the appeal is not as tantalising as I had anticipated.  DELETE *click*

Monday is day 30 and I cannot tell you how excited I am (brain just panicked as I am tempting fate by saying that) 30 days for me will be significant as it is the start of change, changing those habits and mindsets. It is also double the longest I have made in the last year. I am not a cake eater but maybe Monday will be recognised with a slice.

My sober friend and I were talking about when do you stop thinking about not drinking and I recounted how I thought about not smoking for ages after I quit but last night actually couldn't remember if it was 10 or 11 years. I looked it up today as I quit the day after Peter Jennings ABC WORLD NEWS host did his last broadcast so April 6th 2005. I thought that day would be carved into my brain but no, the significance has faded as I am just not a smoker anymore. I think I would love it and go back to it if I received a death sentence but I probably wouldn't. That is how I would love to think about drinking as something I just don't do anymore and gosh, when was it I gave up drinking. But for now Monday is day 30 and that is great, actually today is day 27 and that is pretty great too.

Happy Friday everyone and I hope this weekend is nice to you

Ginger Groundhog

Thursday, 16 June 2016

26/100 PING Feeling better

Day 26 and I am back to myself again. God I hate migraines, the only thing guaranteed to take your mind off everything else in life except the pain.

I was reading a new to me blog, SamKD who is very real in what she writes and is on the same day count for me except for the time delay between UK and N. America. Anyway, while reading her blog I saw a line that just to me was the cleverest most succinct and expressive set of words ever and summed up how I can be "put pebbles in my bag of resentment" Now I know everyone reads things differently but that popped out at me and just about smacked me on the forehead (the rest of what she has to say is pretty good too so give it a go) but "put pebbles in my bag of resentment"  I love it!!

To resent is to feel bitterness or indignation at (a circumstance, action, or person). 
 Similar words
begrudge, feel aggrieved at/about, feel bitter about, grudge, be annoyed at/about, be angry at/about, be resentful of, dislike, be displeased at/about, take exception to, object to, be offended by, take amiss, take offence at, take umbrage at
I can hold a grudge forever in a very unhealthy and damaging way. I am getting better at letting things go but oh boy can I turn resentment on like a faucet and watch it fill up an ocean of
malcontent. I am also final in some of these decisions and have the ability to excise people, including family out of my life forever over seemingly one infraction but which has been actually one tiny pebble of resentment at at time. Even my poor daughter during a fight one time, years ago,  ended up crying and said she was scared one day I would get so angry at her I would cut her out of my life forever. Oh my heart broke!

I have been working on this ever since because after all who wants to go around feeling like that all the time, you can start to resent anything but when it takes over it is a big problem. At times this is still a big problem but it wasn't always a problem if I had had a few drinks, I was a little more mellow and relaxed about things, EXCEPT when I wasn't. Alcohol can also fuel this burning resentment and churn up the bitterness and anger leaving you in a perpetual state of indignation. I hate to say it but I spent a lot of time there feeling hard done by, aggrieved, offended and having hurt feelings.  It is kind of a failure to grow up and it's like being stuck at age 7 or 8 when you are hurt and upset about some playground nastiness and harden your heart to show you don't care when in fact you are actually very sad inside.

When I stopped drinking for 5 months I think I started to work on this a bit and get some clarity on what upset me and why. I think I am feeling that again now. Even though I am only 26 days in I feel I have slipped back into where I was mentally before, in a good way. I know I am nowhere near out of the woods yet but I think that over the past 14 months I have been confronted with several issues I know I need to let go of to be able to move forward so maybe that time was needed because this time my sobriety feels like it means more to me. I am going to close here for now as I could waffle on and on and I am not even sure what my point is. Resentment is something I am willing to work on and hopefully let go of even if it will occasionally raise its head I hope to have the awareness of what is happening and choose to just let it go.

Thanks SamKD for that little gem that sparked a whole stream of consciousness.

Ginger Groundhog

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

24 & 25/100 A Dark Room

Day 24 & 25 major migraine

I am struck down with a two day migraine and just can't face trying to think. Needless to say I have NIL cravings or thoughts.

Be back tomorrow I hope.

Ginger Groundhog

Monday, 13 June 2016

23/100 Falling Behind

Day 23 and all is well. Tonight I am just checking in with my day count as I promised I would post every to 100 and then post less frequently. I don't know how all you regular almost daily bloggers do it, I can usually come up with something but I feel I then don't have time to post on everyone else's blog.

Tonight I am going to do the rounds and read and take inspiration from all of you lovely people as I have fallen behind on checking in with new people.

Thanks for all the amazing feedback yesterday and to everyone who shared the units. I feel a bit embarrassed I didn't have the courage yesterday but was that old demon "no-one drinks as much as me, they will all be shocked at me" of course that would lead to you all hating me and abandoning me etc etc i.e. catastrophe thinking at its finest.

I would say I was firmly in the 80 units range for years with a bottle of wine a night and a little more at the weekends. When the gin/vodka crept in I was in the 100-120 per week but definitely since about March I was peaking at 150 and that I felt to be just unacceptable. Maybe I was searching for "bottom" and I think I found it. A high bottom by some accounts but clearly in the destructive drinking levels and well on the way to a DUI or accident the next day driving I am sure. The writing was on the wall, the writing IS on the wall. I am under no illusion that if I did go back to drinking and it took me as long to stop drinking as it did this time I would be a lot further down. I read somewhere that alcoholism (let's just use that word for convenience, I know a lot of you don't like it) is like an elevator that is going down and you can choose to get off before it gets to the bottom but sometimes you are ready to get off but it doesn't stop for a few floors. When the door next opens GET OFF cos you can't be sure when the next stop is and if you will still be able to get off.

Everyone who shared yesterday is very brave and very generous and without getting all mushy on you it really made me realise what a fabulous web of support there is woven through all of the various blogs. I have never felt more connected than I did yesterday and for that I am truly grateful.

Big love

Ginger Groundhog

Sunday, 12 June 2016

22/100 Know YOUR units

Day 22 has me in deep contemplation again but I am going with it until I notice it has taken over, hopefully this will pass.

Recently I have seen some new names in my comments along with some very kind and thoughtful words. Even though this seems obvious, I am only realising that there are people out there actually reading it and that my words could impact on them either in a positive or negative way. Dumb right? So where I spent so long stepping on and off the sobriety bus the comments were very much people who had been sober a while and offering me encouragement and people on a similar path to me empathising and wondering why, like me, they weren't able to go more than a few days. I have received a few comment recently that indicate that some people may read what I say and be inspired by it (feel dizzy and sick just writing that) I am not sure why exactly but one of my biggest discomforts is coming across as a braggart so much so that if someone compliments me or praises me I go into a discussion about how I only accidentally managed to do xyz and in fact it was only sheer fluke that I happened to be anywhere near at the time. So when people say something in comments it fills me with fear that I will let them down and that others far more deserve their kind words (I will try and work on that) It infuriates my best friend who is a praise junky and as she often points out it is actually rude because you are dismissing and invalidating the other person who is more than likely being genuine. Anyway I digress, back to my original thought.

When I first started reading blogs two things struck me; everyone has succeeded first time and makes it look like falling off a log and no one seems to have drunk as much as I was. Having hung around for a few months now I realise both of these things are not true. Few people actually state 'I was drinking 723 units a week' or '15 bottles of vodka' ( both randomly selected numbers, if you are drinking this much blogging may be too light for you) but also as you read these blogs you realise that whilst it may look like some people managed to quit the day they started blogging and had not a single wobble along the way, you start to read about all the times they tried before but just weren't blogging about it. Took me a while to get that and I kept comparing myself (don't do this yourself) to everyone I felt was "successful" while I was stuck in loser drunkville, that term only relates to me just to be clear.

In August last year my drinking took a massive leap forward when an old friend came to visit from Canada. She was always a bit bossy and full of herself and has a unique talent at withering but subtle put downs. Anyway over the years she has fully embraced narcissism and when she arrived I turned into Theon Greyjoy if you watch GOT or a simpering wreck of the me that exists normally. Anyway a one week visit saw me go from drinking just wine to having a secret bottle of gin in my room that I would go and take a slug from when I was freaking out. The day she left I nearly collapsed with relief, it had been a dreadful week and I had been walking on eggshells the whole time. Sadly when she left the spirits didn't and I mean the liquid spirits, the exorcist took care of the house the day after she left. Having a sneaky aperitif in the evening before my wine became the norm and I was aware of a subtle shift but either went int denial or just realised this was the state of affairs until I could stop drinking. 

Everyone blogging seemed to only be drinking wine and it made me feel a bit ashamed that I seemed to be "worse" than everyone else. I had never calculated how much I was drinking so I couldn't compare. This kept me thinking how bad this was and maybe blogging wasn't what I needed, after all I drank spirits as well as wine so I really must be an alcoholic. All through this I was working albeit not at optimum level but still respected and I think with no one thinking anything other than I could be a grumpy cow now and then, especially Monday mornings. I managed to stop here and there for a few days but then something, usually small, would tip me over and I would go and get my old friends. I managed to stop this time and I am here at 22 days and feeling very good about the whole thing. I want to take this opportunity to scare you in the first instance by asking you to calculate your total units for the week and then compare them to others, this will help normalise it. Please understand when I say normalise I am talking about here in the soberverse not normalise excessive drinking. You, me, everybody here knows excessive drinking is harmful but if you think you are worse than everyone else then that can compound your feelings of hopelessness. So here goes.......

Red wine at about 13%  to 13.5% = 10 units roughly
White wine 11.5 to 12% = 8 or 9 units
Spritits 37.5% 70cl bottle = 26. 5 units

Red wine = 1 bottle per night = 70 units per week, 2 bottles per night = 140 units per week 
White wine = 1 bottle per night =63 units @ 12%, 2 bottles per night = 126 units per week 
Spirits = 35cl per night = 91 units per week, 70cl per night =182 units per week 

U.K. Government guidelines for women per week = 14 unit per week 

Many blogs you will read will say that they were drinking either a bottle or two of wine per night so in the 10-20 units per night. With the occasional weekend binge of 3 bottles. 

The reason I have done all this is to say, you are not a hopeless case, you are a functioning wife, mother, sister, worker who needs to stop drinking and when you can see that you are not alone and so many others have walked before you and beaten this, you will know that you too can do it. Work out what you have been drinking per week and know that someone here drank the same amount and others gave drunk far more. You are not a freak or a loser just someone in need of help and that is why we are all here pouring out our hearts and souls so we can help someone who may be in as much pain as we once were. 

I am not talking my numbers (notice how I can't even share that with you) but I will say my last night was bad and it was a major low for me and scared the willies out of me. So far it has kept me straight cos I never ever want to do that again or feel like that again. What I will say about that very last session is the following day I was more hungover than ever and in the afternoon out of sheer guilt and duty I took my dogs out on a long walk. Toward the end there is a steep hill and it gets me every week, I am overweight and unfit also thanks to the booze. Anyway I walked up that incline and wouldn't allow myself to stop, I was a hot sweaty mess from the night before. At the top I was in bad shape, I mean BAD shape and for about 3 minutes I actually feared I was going to have a heart attack and die. I mean I REALLY REALLY felt like this could be it. I feel  tearful just remembering it now. As long as I do live I want to remember that moment because it shook me to the core. This is an extremely long post and if you are still here thank you and well done. Somehow it came over me that I had to share this and I know it is very personal but I hope it helps someone decide.

Ginger Groundhog 

Saturday, 11 June 2016

21/100 Three weeks, who stole the sunshine?

Day 21 and what a difference a week makes. 7 days ago I was climbing the walls convinced I would buy alcohol if I left the house but luckily I either waited it out or the craving went away (like everyone tells us it will if we wait) but I made it through. This week I have no desire to drink but today I feel no desire to do anything. My thoughts this Saturday have been about what I should be doing and how lazy I am for not doing anything. However, I am applying the same technique as last week and I am just accepting this is how I am feeling right now and sitting with it and trying not to get too het up about it.

I had hoped today to post a celebratory 'you can do it too' post but it's not there, you can do it and you can make 21 days but just be aware you may feel flat. That is not to take away from any of the success nor is it a desire to drink, more just an ennui of what now? I know it will pass and maybe this is just how I will feel on Saturdays for a while. Maybe I need to just keep myself to myself, maybe I am coming down with something but before where I would have pushed on and made myself go out or do something today I just let myself have this. it is still worth not drinking.

It is raining here in Cornwall today and I have moaned about it before but I hate rain and I hate getting wet. Neither suitable to owning two very active dogs in a very wet country. I sometimes wonder if I am the only person who gets so angry upset and filled with rage everytime I get wet. It must be some tropical gene mutation that is activated in the wet and it turns me demented like some freakishly large Gremlin, I am not joking either my train of thought when wet is positively psychopathic.  If I never saw rain again I think I would be fine.

If I am honest there may be a bit of mourning/grieving that I am not drinking because it did pep me up a bit in the early evenings and gave everything just a little glow for a short while before it made me sluggish and sleepy and a total bore. It was something to look forward to and aside from the odd Beck's Blue I feel there is nothing to look forward to (yes I realise how petty that sounds) Now I just feel like a bore full time and while I am pretty sure this is a short term problem that will fade as my sober days rise, nonetheless it is still a whole lot of same samey in the evening. This is without doubt 'the adjustment period'

All that aside I am pleased I have made it here and despite the moans and groans above I would encourage anyone to give it a try. This is still better than waking up every morning depressed and exhausted promising or at least hoping that today will be the last day. Surely if you can believe me when I feel like this you know it has to be better than drinking.

Ginger Groundhog

20/100 Friday night nonchalance

Day 20 and it barely registered on my radar that it was Friday aside from the joy that comes from finishing work for the week.

I can honestly say that I don't recall having a single thought about alcohol, even when I opened a Beck's Blue it seemed unrelated to alcohol. Only on waking up today (day 21) did I realise that I hadn't given it a passing thought and even then it came from my recollection of last Saturday's climbing the walls. I think I must be on high alert to that happening again but for now I am just going along smoothly.

I have noticed that I have stopped beginning and ending every sentence with some proclamation about how tired I am, like I invented tiredness. I am still tired but it doesn't feel as overwhelming as it did the last few weeks. I am going to bed on time and sometimes early and getting a good 8 hours, last night was 9 but I guess my body needs it.

So by the end of today I will have made it to 3 weeks and that is such an achievement. Isn't there something about sober milestones 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or is it weeks, months, years? I am hoping it is the first as that would be about 90+ days. For me this week has been relatively easy and I have caught a trigger here and there along with distorted thinking about drinking i.e. I am going to drink to punish YOU, when in fact that only punishes me. I forgot to share that the night of the fight when all was still well early in the evening, my daughter came into the living room and was looking about frantic and deranged. I asked her what was the matter and she said "are you drinking wine?" To which I replied that no of course I wasn't "why is the bottle opener on the counter? With a cork in it!" Poor girl, since I have really told her about it and how bad it made me feel she has tried to do her bit to support me. I had to explain that I don't have a beer bottle opener so have to use the one on the top of the corkscrew to open my Beck's Blue and she visibly relaxed. My mind thought 'oh god I'm screwed if I ever start again' then I had to quickly think that that wasn't going to happen.

Here's to the next 3 weeks, months and years. All milestones I intend to achieve, but only one day at a time.

Ginger Groundhog

Thursday, 9 June 2016

19/100 Famous Last Words

Day 19. Well no sooner had I typed how normal a day yesterday was when my daughter came in and picked a fight. I am not sure how accurate that is but she certainly came in and started poking me like a cornered bear. If you don't have a teenage daughter or at least experience of one then you might not understand but they have a way of manipulating the most mundane statement into one of outrage and derision.

I am not sure how it got as bad as it did but it did. She ended up in floods of tears and I was left shell shocked that within 5 minutes I was reduced to a sad, lonely husk of myself questioning her lifetime of my parenting but also pretty angry that despite endless pleas to remember that I am very fragile and wobbly she poked the bear. Literally I sat there thinking "what just happened?"

Within minutes my brain was brimming over with a combination of blaming her, blaming me, indignant that she had attacked me, devastated that I had ruined her life and made her sad and depressed, furious at myself for getting involved and reacting, furious at her for blowing everything out of proportion and context. I was a mess. The only thing I could possibly do to cope with this dreadful situation was ..... Drink? NO, go to bed!

I actually didn't think about drinking in the normal annoyed sense but I did catch a fleeting thought that was something like "I'll go to the shop and get some wine and vodka and drink the lot and that will show her!" This is akin to drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die. I think I might have a mild personality disorder which doesn't stop me from functioning but does cause me to sometimes think of things in a slightly off manner. It can also lead me becoming quite entrenched in my thoughts and decisions which can make it hard for mr to sometime admit I am the one in the wrong. Case in point, we were both in the wrong last night but my thinking is 'well I'm not going to apologise. I am just as upset as she is' while the normal part of my brain says 'you are the grown up here, you should show her how to behave and you were just as much at fault as she was.'

So the battle continues today in my head and I find it most strange yet comforting that this battle of disorder vs normal seems to have thwarted any desire to block it all out by reverting to the booze solution. Is that being thankful for small mercies? Tonight we will have to talk about it and I just hope I can do so in an adult manner without being all hurt feelings. They say that drinking stunts your personal growth and I think I am stuck somewhere with my entrenched thinking and refusal to give in, so probably the teenage years. Part of me feels I was a better mom drinking cos at least I was trying to make up for the fact that I felt I owed her some quality time. Now I just feel that the world should revolve around me and my poor little self. Yes I am being sarcastic about how ridiculous I am being but it doesn't take away from the fact I don't know how to cope with all this.

I will start the conversation soon while I am calm and see if we can mend some fences. Wish me luck.

Ginger Groundhog.

Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

17/100 Missing -60 units of alcohol

Day 17 and my friend has returned home, sadly after hearing some bad news about a family member.
We have had a really good visit and it is a shame it ended like it did.

Today I woke up after a deep luxurious sleep unlike I have had since stopping drinking, still felt tired (I know! I am boring myself too) but I had 9.5 hours uninterrupted and only woke to go to the loo. When my friend woke up after some coffe we headed out to the garden to cut down some overgrown bushes and small trees. My friend being a gardener has all the tools and it made light work of what would have taken me weeks to do. She is a fierce hard worker and half my size. Within an hour I was hot bothered and hoping for a water break but she just kept pressing on and we cleared a large area and had the trunks, branches and twigs processed down to manageable sizes and two runs to the tip and it was mission accomplished. We had 6 Becks Blue over two nights.

Contrast this with previous visits. My friend arrives with at least 2-3 bottles of quality wine as she is wealthy on top of thin, pretty,fashionable, successful and charming. So about as opposite to me as one could imagine. I would already have bought in about 3-5 bottles of wine and most certainly have had a glass poured waiting for her to arrive from her 6 hour journey from London. That first bottle would be gone within an hour and we would start another shortly thereafter. We would drink and talk and laugh well into the early hours with the occasional telling off from my daughter (always the mature one around us) by the end of the evening 4 bottles of wine would have been drunk along with maybe a port or Armagnac. I would sleep fitfully and be awake by 8am with the dogs padding around  anxious for their morning walk. That day the would be lost to hangover and sitting indoors chatting until 4pm when we would agree a hair of the dog was called for. Second night would be a repeat of the first. There would be no cutting down trees and runs to the tip. By the time my friend left we could well have drunk 30-40 units of alcohol EACH,

My friend told me twice this weekend how proud she was of me but also that I was her inspiration for quitting alcohol. She said when I quit before and she saw how happy and together I was she realised her days drinking were numbered. I won't go into detail but her last night drinking was a blackout mess and she recoiled when told the next day what happened. She stopped that day and has not had a drink since. That was 14 months ago and she has no regrets. She told me that when she saw me sober she had never even considered stopping, cutting back yes but stopping no. When she realised I was not boring or depressed and thinking about drinking all the time that maybe she should stop. Of course the irony is here she stopped drinking in April 2015 and I started back drinking again.

This was our first 'both sober' weekend and we both survived, had fun and still managed a good chat. We had earlier nights, drank more tea, remembered everything that had been said the night before and generally had a jolly good time together. I had a mini strop but my friend said she barely noticed when I apologised today.

I am tired from the visit as I am a bit if a loner and company means I have to be in good form and somewhat communicative (bar last night) but I still feel better for the visit.

Lastly I know I am going to be ok, I may have a wobble here or there but I know abstinence is the way forward for me and each day will prove that a little bit more. I am on the sober road and it feels right and good and where I should be. To anyone still trying, just give it a few weeks of one day at a time and it will feel a bit easier.

Ginger Groundhog

16/100 Special/Memorable/Lucky Days

Day 16 and I was reminded when replying to comments that I always used to have a thing about memorable dates or significant dates. January 1st, how cool, 02/02, cos it was a nice mirror date, Easter Sunday, and then Easter Monday, 1st April, All fools day 'cos I am no longer the fool, my daughter's birthday cos she deserves a sober mom, July 4th, my own personal Independance day and soooooooooo many Mondays, the biggest one of all....... Anyway you catch my drift. There was always some special/memorable/lucky day to quit on, except for the last few times when I would just stop cos I knew I had to stop.

So this time I have no idea of the date I stopped. I could easily look it up or work it out but for now I don't care cos I am literally only focusing on today, the next hour the next right thing as I read in another blog the other day. That is a massive change for me, I am no longer looking to the future but focusing on the here and now which links in with the whole mindfulness and staying centred and grounded (gee I wish I remembered that on Saturday when I was climbing the walls)

I have also become aware, having my friend here, that I have completely lost the art of conversation. Day to day I sit in an office by myself and I come home largely to an empty home as daughter is frequently out and about. My friend is always good company and is a 'chatter' and in truth I think I used to give as good as I got. Not now, I think I am a 'ranter' which gives the impression you are conversing but all you are really doing is spewing anger and vitriol about the place in lieu of meaningful considered opinion. I have in other words become a BORE!

Last night I became very aware of all of this when annoyed by my daughter I sat stony faced and sullen for about two hours unable to enter the conversation because a) I couldn't think of anything to say b) I was stewing about how my daughter had "ruined my evening" c) I was swimming in exhaustion and d) I couldn't be bothered to talk.  I mumbled something to my friend (who was slightly getting on my nerves with her ability to seemingly do everything perfectly) about how I must be ruining her visit and that I was painfully aware I was trapped in some toddler/teenage/middle age tantrum and incapable of digging myself out right now. Luckily my friend pointed out that I am 16 days into not drinking and bound to be moody and struggling, just let it go. God I HATE HER.

I realised that I was really angry and really tired so better call it a night and graciously and maybe gratefully my friend agreed. She reminded me that I needed to be a little kinder to myself and take time to be selfish for a while until I feel a bit more like the old me. Who on earth is that? Anyway I took myself and my hatred for my daughter, my friend and my life to bed and maybe fell asleep in 4.5 seconds - I remember adjusting my hair away from my face and then nothing.

Funnily enough I have woken up this morning deathly tired but with the realisation that I don't want to kill and torture both of them like some gruesome scene from Game of Thrones and that maybe, just maybe I was the one overreacting last night.

Ginger Groundhog

Sunday, 5 June 2016

15/100 Feeling Understood

Day 15 has been a different day for me, completely different. I awoke feeling slightly off kilter and still a bit tired and uncertain about yesterday but managed to drag myself out of bed and get on with housecleaning part 97. It's amazing how little deep cleaning gets done when you are neck deep in daily drinking. Anyway my house is cleaner than it has been in years and I on the other hand am proud but tireder than I have been in years.

My friend and I have spoken non stop about not drinking and she seems as happy to talk about her time as I am mine, plus we feel that shared understanding that you CANNOT have unless you have been there. I read her my post from yesterday and told her my big elaborate lie I had planned but ended up not needing. I am back in the 'happy I am not drinking groove' again.

Thank you for all the really lovely and supportive comments and apologies for not replying to them. I read them out to my friend and she teamed up at how much support I am getting but was surprised at how many people were online blogging and reading about this. She feels there is a sea change coming as people are staring to pay attention to their drinking but also so many propel are trying to cut back or stop. I forgot to mention when I was in the throes of fighting the demon drink yesterday I had to go get more Becks Blue and you know what?.... it was nearly ALL gone. Who knew? I thought it was just me but apparently not.

It is about 3 hours past my bed time in my already exhausted state, so I will bid thee a fond farewell tonight. Feeling so much better and I am in day 16 now.

Ginger Groundhog

Saturday, 4 June 2016

14/100 A Close Call

Day 14, two weeks and I literally only scraped through. Today I had severe cravings and at 4pm I had almost accepted my fate that I would end up drinking. I was planning my story I would tell my sober friend when she arrived tomorrow. Then I would flip it around and remind myself that I signed up for the 100 days and try and think about my last night drinking and how I felt and how much better I have felt since.

On and on back and forth it went and all the while I was working around the house. At one point I could smell and taste it. I am not sure how it passed, why it passed or if I was "being strong" but somehow I survived the day including a trip to the store ( I drank a Becks Blue before I left the house)

I planned to lie to my friend also. I was going to buy a bottle of vodka but only drink half but then save the rest for Tueday night when she left and THAT would be my last drink (yet again) I plan to tell her all of this tomorrow.

I am done in. Hard work all day and the battle of the century on top of that. I'm off to bed. I am too tired to feel much right now but I think tomorrow I will feel happy or pleased that I managed to get through the day.

Ginger Groundhog

Friday, 3 June 2016

13/100 Friday night

Day 13 and I had a couple of thoughts about drinking, fantasy thinking where it was all good no bad but I can't even say it was a craving, just a habitual thought. It's Friday so I think I had a few more thoughts than the rest of the week but I had a Becks Blue as soon as I came home and whether it stopped the thoughts or filled that bottle shaped hole, it worked.

I may add to thi tomorrow morning but need to go to sleep now.

Thursday, 2 June 2016

12/100 Thinking patterns

Day 12 and I feel shockingly exhausted physically which is dragging me down a bit mentally. However, I am very aware of this at the moment and I am trying to realise that this is just fatigue that is making me feel a bit flat. None of it is enough to make me throw the towel in though.

On my way home and for maybe an hour of the afternoon my mind kept wandering off like wisps of smoke trying to go down the old familiar thought patterns that used to inevitably lead to a stop at the shop on the way home. I can't say they were cravings per se more like a daydream where if you allow yourself you can drift off into the mental ether. I acknowledge that I would like the build up to drinking and the anticipation of the first drink and even the first long drink but I know from then on if I click in the reality filter, all does not go swimmingly after that. I think these are old engrained neural pathway that I am changing by altering my routine and using replacements but occasionally I find myself in a deeply engrained pathway and it is quite strong (I am not sure if this is making sense to folk reading it) but for example on my way home there is a bend in the road and that always seems to elicit massive thoughts about stopping at the village shop. Maybe that is the place on my journey when I had usually made up my mind to give in and just drink, other times when I am just about finished the dog walk and headed back to the car my mind slips into what snack and treats I will buy to accompany my wine. I am trying to change the thoughts as soon as they happen with sometimes a ridiculous panic thought "think of a white elephant, a white elephant" Silly but it breaks the thought.

My super best friend has called me two nights running and sent me an inspirational card with a handmade insert saying 'You are powerful and strong. Keep going' and she has dropped a client to come down and see me on Monday and Tuesday. She said she had so much support when she quit that she can't bear to think of me on my own trying to struggle through so she is coming down to offer support and allow me to just talk all about how I feel, what my frustrations are, share my anger and generally put the world to rights like we normally do- but this time with Becks Blue.

Sorry to be a bit moaning minnie about the tiredness but oh my goodness the last time I was this wiped out was when I was pregnant. Warning newly sober people, this may happen to you too.

So day 12 is packed up and put away and I shall be having an even earlier night. One more day and then it's the weekend and I totally plan on having a lazy one.

Ginger Groundhog

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

11/100 too tired to post

That's it really, day 11. All good, coffee with friend, home and watch one show and it's bedtime. No time or energy to think of an interesting post. Left it all too late. Tomorrow I will plan and start earlier.

Ginger Groundhog